A little lost...
Well on our walk back from the third church in 4 weeks me and Helen were having a good natter, (finding a church over here is proving to be something of a difficult task )and I decided that maybe I should publish what is going on God wise over here...so sorry all those who read my blog and aren't a Christian but this is something that I think needs to be done...
Most of you back home know that when I left, my faith wasn't really in the best of places... I truly believed that coming over here might make a difference- I don't know, I don't think I really expected God to come down and personaly carry the plain over the Atlantic safely to the airport-or for him to suddenly appear among the crowds in the DC and start the feeding of the five thousand but I did expect something. I know that God is here-or there which ever way you want to look at it but I can't feel him... I know 'don't rely on feeling' 'you can see him in the world around you' 'he is with you within the people that you love and who love you' but I can't be doing with that. I want God here with me and I know he must have been because I honesly couldn't have got through this time without some sort of 'divine help'... but I am tired. I am tired of trying and feeling nothing...I am tired of seeing Everyone around me having this relationship with God and me not quite being able to get it...I am tired of the guilt I feel if I don't go to church...sit and read my bible or pray. Pray- that is how you solve these situations but I can't....I can't talk to an empty space anymore it is too hard!
Maybe this time over here is meant for me to step back- to not go to church but give myself some time to find out who I am and how I fit into the surroundings around me...and then maybe I will find out how I fit into God's plan...
But I am scared...I am scared that if I let go I won't be able to find my way back. For a while now church has been my life line that I have clung to for dear life petrified that if I let go the relationship I want so badly...the feeling and the actually knowledge that God loves me and that he has a plan for me might actually ring true-might actually mean something in my life...
I know many of you may not want to here this- some of you might begin to think, aha she is coming to her senses, now she is getting it...finally understanding that there isn't a God after all...Some of you may not understand a word you have just read and I don't blame you because I don't understand it either...How can you want something so badly...Something that you can see people in your church have on a daily basis but just not quite get it...It is like I am reaching-stretching as hard as possible for this 'thing' but it is just out of grasp...
I am now going to create a complete contradiction for which I am afraid I won't apologize for... I ask those who feel able to pray to pray. Pray I hear you say the girl that has just said she doesn't see it working anymore wants us to pray and my answer is yes...for I truly believe that it works...for some reason It just doesn't work for me.
I ask you to pray for Helen...I know that she is having similar faith issues over here at the moment and as much as I would like to help her, to tell her that things will be ok, that God is there and he is listening and speaking even if you don't here I can't because in truth, I can't One hundred percently believe them myself and she needs people who are strong in faith to pray for her not a mixed up person who has trouble saying the Lords prayer...I know this may all seem very random and complelety out of the blue to some of you but I really don't have the words to express how much it would mean if you could pray for here... and me well...Somehow, I hope, I will eventually find my way home...
Most of you back home know that when I left, my faith wasn't really in the best of places... I truly believed that coming over here might make a difference- I don't know, I don't think I really expected God to come down and personaly carry the plain over the Atlantic safely to the airport-or for him to suddenly appear among the crowds in the DC and start the feeding of the five thousand but I did expect something. I know that God is here-or there which ever way you want to look at it but I can't feel him... I know 'don't rely on feeling' 'you can see him in the world around you' 'he is with you within the people that you love and who love you' but I can't be doing with that. I want God here with me and I know he must have been because I honesly couldn't have got through this time without some sort of 'divine help'... but I am tired. I am tired of trying and feeling nothing...I am tired of seeing Everyone around me having this relationship with God and me not quite being able to get it...I am tired of the guilt I feel if I don't go to church...sit and read my bible or pray. Pray- that is how you solve these situations but I can't....I can't talk to an empty space anymore it is too hard!
Maybe this time over here is meant for me to step back- to not go to church but give myself some time to find out who I am and how I fit into the surroundings around me...and then maybe I will find out how I fit into God's plan...
But I am scared...I am scared that if I let go I won't be able to find my way back. For a while now church has been my life line that I have clung to for dear life petrified that if I let go the relationship I want so badly...the feeling and the actually knowledge that God loves me and that he has a plan for me might actually ring true-might actually mean something in my life...
I know many of you may not want to here this- some of you might begin to think, aha she is coming to her senses, now she is getting it...finally understanding that there isn't a God after all...Some of you may not understand a word you have just read and I don't blame you because I don't understand it either...How can you want something so badly...Something that you can see people in your church have on a daily basis but just not quite get it...It is like I am reaching-stretching as hard as possible for this 'thing' but it is just out of grasp...
I am now going to create a complete contradiction for which I am afraid I won't apologize for... I ask those who feel able to pray to pray. Pray I hear you say the girl that has just said she doesn't see it working anymore wants us to pray and my answer is yes...for I truly believe that it works...for some reason It just doesn't work for me.
I ask you to pray for Helen...I know that she is having similar faith issues over here at the moment and as much as I would like to help her, to tell her that things will be ok, that God is there and he is listening and speaking even if you don't here I can't because in truth, I can't One hundred percently believe them myself and she needs people who are strong in faith to pray for her not a mixed up person who has trouble saying the Lords prayer...I know this may all seem very random and complelety out of the blue to some of you but I really don't have the words to express how much it would mean if you could pray for here... and me well...Somehow, I hope, I will eventually find my way home...
posted by Lady Tottingham @ 12:05 PM
6 Comments:
At 1:03 PM,
Twenty Something said…
Ditto...
xx
At 4:04 PM,
Emma said…
Hi Emma
I don't know how to start this, as I don't really have a faith but I kind of get what you are saying.
Please don't be scared, maybe once you stop searching and trying to feel something, it will come to you more than you ever imagined. I suppose I related to what you said because it sounds like many types of relationships. It has its ups and downs, and you will get through it. You say that church has been your life line, you don't have to let go. I suppose its about adapting to this new kind of life you are experiencing.
I believe that God is there, watching over us. For some people, if not God, then something is always protecting us. Well I like to think so anyway.
Also, thankyou for being such a good friend to my sister and I hope both you and Helen find your way.
At 2:31 PM,
Anonymous said…
bEm
Know it's difficult for you and how you were feeling before you left - what can I say that won't sound like preaching?(and when will you ever listen to your old mum!)
God will never abandon or leave you Em, no matter what you feel or how hard you try to get it. You don't have to 'get' God, Em, he's got you! (and He's never gonna let you go - that's His promise to you!) Can't offer you words of wisdom or advice (I wouldn't dare! lol) but do believe God has plans for you (and Helen and Sarah) plans to give you all a future and a hope- I know that will be difficult to believe right now - I just wish you could rest a bit from the 'wrestling.' Guilt will have you going round in circles and tie you up in knots (you have to lay that one down at God's feet and don't be tempted to pick it up again - He's big enough to deal with it!) God's love for you knows no bounds, there's no limits and no pre-set conditions, He loves, He is love and He's in love with you.
I am so proud of you all supporting one another - You know I am praying for you, Helen and Sarah.
Love and prayers
Mum x
At 12:59 AM,
Fabparental said…
I don't know - what a pair you are! Stressing out your Parentals!
Being on your own in a strange place really makes you think about what really matters and what you believe about life. You'll look back on this time as a time when you really discovered for yourself what is important.
It is easy to rely on other people's beliefs when you are surrounded by family and friends. Emma, you are now working out your own belief, and you will be much stronger for it - eventually!
I echo what your Mum and Dave said (on Helen's blog): God is there, he loves you and wants the best for you - fact.
You just have to believe it!
At 6:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
All I can say is God loves you whatever. Just let go and let God sort things out. He's managed it with me and I'm 50! Think I gave him some problems on the way!
Hope you don't mind a note from a stranger - and ther's none stranger than Helen's Dad.
If this appears twice it's cos I had problems with this technology - well you would at my age!
At 1:36 AM,
D Baynham said…
Hi Emma
Over the past few weeks my faith has been tested to the core. I have a million questions like "How can God let something like that happen?" I can honestly say Praying at the moment is so hard and reading Bible...sorry but that is just down the list of things I want to do.
I hope this helps you a tiny amount, being with other Christians and knowing they are praying for you, helps. Asking for help, helps. Talking through your insecurities helps. I know it is hard to find a Church, well one that you feel at home in, not to actually find a church there are millions of the things. Be in cell/house group, ask them to keep praying for you, send out emails to friends here asking for prayer. Talk to your House/Cell group leader about how you are feeling.
There is nothing wrong in feeling you cannot find God.
I love this poem when I am feeling like this:-
One night a man had a dream. He dreamed
he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of
footprints in the sand: one belonging
to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him,
he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of
his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very
lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he
questioned the LORD about it:
"LORD, you said that once I decided to follow
you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most
troublesome times in my life,
there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when
I needed you most you would leave me.
"The LORD replied:
"My son, my precious child,
I love you and I would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."
Post a Comment
<< Home